I don’t know who or what I want to be. I recently published a diary entry over on here last week: you can read that here – so the fact that I’m completely and utterly lost right now most likely won’t be a surprise to anyone who reads my content. But bare with me.
We all hope to find out thing, our passions, the things that make us tick. My mum revealed a quote to me when I was in high school: “do what you love for a living and you’ll never work a day in your life”. It’s a quote that has followed me everywhere, it’s a constant though embedded in the back of my head whenever I look endlessly through jobs or through Masters degrees online. Like I’ve previously said, I’m nearly 24 and by now I imagined I’d have everything sorted, I thought that ‘thing’ would have already been figured out.
Don’t get me wrong, I have hobbies and passions, but that’s all they are. I flutter in and out of writing on my small diary type website and I often find it difficult to take my camera out in my hometown due to lack of inspiration.
We’re often told there’s no rush and so many of us find that passion when they’re in their 40s or above. I find that admirable, but my life would be so less complicated and confusing if I’d figured my thing out at 18 years old when I enrolled into a three year Criminology degree. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, how many teenagers know exactly what they want to do? Equally, I didn’t figure out my love for writing or photography until I was twenty one; passions and hobbies which were influenced by a break up.
I came to the conclusion whilst writing my ‘rut’ post that I expect the world; I’ve fallen for the social media perfect life trap – as so many of us do. I’ve been finding it difficult seeing the people around me moving in with their partners, landing their dream full time job, buying cars and so on and so forth; I can’t help but feel happy for them but also envious. I can’t help but wonder what life is trying to teach me or why I can’t seem to find my thing.
But what if these ‘lost’ patches are actually a good thing? As much as I hope and wish things will come together and a spark will switch in my head sometime soon, I’m beginning to turn this negative attitude I’ve been bundled down with into a positive. I might be struggling mentally and I might be working in leisure once again, which to be fair, I have been enjoying, but I’ve realised that right now I have all the time in the world to figure things out.
I remember it exactly. I had half an hour to kill before I started work so I headed into Waterstones to find a book to read on the quieter days. As I walked in I was greeted with an array of notepads and diaries, it was like something had instantly switched in my head; that spark I was previously talking about. I thought: “I’ve always wanted to own a notebook that I actually use. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I’ve always wanted to get more into reading. The only person or thing that’s stopping me is, me.”
So I’ve decided to do the things I’ve always had an excuse for, even if it’s as simple as jotting down notes in a notebook or actually making the time to read a book. I’ve reunited with my admiration for blogging and writing so I’m aiming to put my all into my internet space whilst talking about bloody anything I want to talk about.
It’s like my new found therapy!