I turn 24 in June, by now I thought I’d have my shit together; how wrong was I. Seeing people my age, whether it being close friends, family or my partner doing so well, I find it difficult to comprehend that I’m still stuck in a bubble I simply cannot burst and haven’t been able to since I was around eighteen.
I’ve always found January difficult; settling back into a routine, going back into education or work after Christmas has never been easy for me, especially considering I’ve just got back from thirteen months in Australia. Something has been different within myself, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I feel desperate, frustrated and confused. I’m in a rut.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I currently don’t know how or what to be. I’ve found myself flicking through various magazines, books and websites trying to find something or someone to relate to – that’s why I love the world of blogging. I don’t know if it’s the pressure of social media that is making me feel the way I am; I never wanted to be that person who becomes jealous or compares themselves to the influencers we’re bombarded with everywhere we look.
I wake up everyday with a different outlook. I’m trying to find my place in the working world, the next day I want to travel more, one day I’m determined, the next I’m a lazy lump sitting on my living room sofa. Recently I’ve always found that I struggle very much with negativity, I used to be optimistic and positive, but now I find myself picking at anything negative I can find within that subject.
Last week my head was filled with worry. I was lying in bed texting Jack explaining that I’ve been feeling lost, confused and frustrated: “I feel like I’m heading into a dark place. I’m struggling to find anything positive, I’m frequently worrying about silly things and I don’t know what or who I want to be.” I think after Australia, I thought I’d have it all figured out. I thought I’d know what career path to take, I thought I’d find it easy to find a well paid job, I thought I’d be working Monday to Friday with my weekends free, I thought I’d be motivated and I guess I thought everything would be easy. I expected too much.
I’ve tired it all. Around two weeks ago I’ve been in an exercise limbo, constantly trying to distinguish whether I’m listening to my head too much to even get anywhere with it. I’ve tried reading about the important stuff: the environment, the sea, plastic, littering – and although I feel so strongly about these subjects, I’m no expert. I’ve tried listening to podcasts and music. I’ve tried to recognise whether or not I’d benefit from speaking to a counsellor – I just don’t know. Perhaps I’ve been trying too hard?
It’s been around a week since I was at my lowest and today, I feel better. Acceptance and patience is key to a happier life. Instead of moping around all day, endlessly flicking through different social media apps and waiting for something to click – I’ve decided to dig my heels into writing and photography again and it’s working so far.
I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself to have everything I want right here and right now. I don’t know how long it’s going to taken for this ‘rut’ to end. I don’t know if how I feel is normal and I don’t know how my life is going to be this time next year. But what’s the rush?